Toddler Me

I had a bonding session with Luffy last night. I slept at about two in the morning. As a result, I woke up just in time to take my lunch. A day is not a day without facebook that I had to check my account before joining my brother and Nanay at the table, today is Tatay's shift.

As I checked on my notifications, I was tagged by a new friend with one of her notes. It was a sonnet. The author was familiar, and I even posted here one of his masterpieces just last month. Here's the link: I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You. The poem was once sent to me through facebook-mail by someone who used to be very special and dear to me. Anyway, upon reading the post I realized that the one sent to me was just Sonnet LXVI of Pablo Neruda's Cien Sonetos De Amor (100 Sonnets of Love). The post had Sonnet XVII and Sonnet LXVI. Here's Sonnet XVII:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I like the third stanza so I posted it as a status message on my facebook profile. My intention was simple. First, to show that I like the stanza. Second, to show my appreciation to the person who tagged me such a very wonderful work that was molded by man's genius and his essential property--love. And lastly, to have it as my first status message of the day.

As simple as those three reasons. Nothing else.

The lines were justifiably striking. Comments came in a few minutes. Three of my friends--whose names I won't mention--asked as to whom I was pertaining. I replied, "no one" and after a few moments I erased their comments including mine. Then another comment came. This time the message was, "she loves you too". Honestly, I found this comment as a this-makes-my-day thing. It made me smile and wonder who could that she be. But given the three reasons I replied, "this doesn't pertain to someone.".

I logged out.

After three hours, I checked on my profile again. I had to approve a friend request and to accept five farmville gifts, there were also notifications--a comment on the status message has been posted. It read:

"adie.. we now that na.. hihihi!.. don't be shy.. see poetic kna msyado..

 it happens when love love love is in ur head and heart..

nyahahha!.. but we're glad you're making amin na..

hih~!.. proud of you!.. aja!

I immediately replied explaining that those weren't my lines. Then, another post came diverting our discussion to my "emo" primary pic. I replied a post or two, then logged out.

Early tonight, I've got a message on facebook telling me to go online for chat. She was about to tell me something important. And so did I.

According to her, a common friend of ours sent her a text message asking if I am already in a relationship with someone. The inquiry being a progeny of the no-harmful-and-no-malice-turned-harmful-and-malicious status message I posted this morning.

Back to facebook.

I scrolled down the page of my live feed.

I saw this post: "you could have at least spared me with the truth.".

I admit it that I am not sure if this was for me. With the text message earlier, I think so. Truth? What truth? The hard thing about a truth is that, a truth is not accepted as a truth by those asking for it when it is not what they expect as truth.

Well, I admit it that this is all my fault. I can't blame her.

Sheer stupidity.

What striked me most, by the way, were the comments on the post. One was "Heck. Intawon kay toddler pa. Bagahon ngan waray gud buot.".

When I decided to cut the tie, I presented a reason. I explained that it was never easy on my part as much as it hurts on your part. I regret it that I did it in the most unmanly way. I regret that I haven't fulfilled my promise until now. I did not set a specific date. This are the faults I totally take as mine. I never denied these.

This was supposed to be between us. I respect that friendship is a very strong bond. It can turn into an army ready to fight a war. Ready to win at all cost against an enemy. But for me, what's more important is the reason behind such army. The reason behind such war-to-be-won-at-all-cost.

I don't find a certain stanza as a status message--which was supposed to be harmless--enough to receive a reply which is an assumption in a form of conclusion asking for the truth backed-up by an immature reaction turning me into a toddler.

If there is a person whom I currently give the right to judge me, it is her and her alone. Why? She has every reason. Those whom I don't even know personally and have never been with me doesn't. The magnitude of my faults to her is not enough to give them that right.

I've got to talk to her. Sorry for being stupid.

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What was I saying?

I love 20 proof. Yummy.